""WHY IS MY DAUGHTER TREATING ME LIKE THIS?""
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Sometimes during the course
of therapy people do decide to stop having contact with
members of their family or friends. It can be confusing
and hurtful to those affected by it. Forcing contact can
also be counterproductive. I understand that six months,
and the lead up to them, can feel like a very long time
but to respect your daughters wishes at the moment can
bring about lasting healing in the end. Her religious
beliefs are important to her from what you have said and
it may be equally important that you have trust in her
faith.
From your email it sounds as if she is building on her
relationship with her father which reached a difficult
stage for her when she was a teenager and at the same
time she does know that you haven't abandoned her by
your concern even though she has blocked it out.
I would suggest giving "time time". Perhaps if your
brother is willing, you could send the odd card in a
month or so (perhaps at a birthday or seasonal holiday)
just simply saying that you love her and wish her well
but that is all, as it appears that she may feel
pressured right now. There is a sense that you both went
through a lot of emotional changes at a vulnerable age
for your daughter. In the meantime it might be helpful
for you for have some counselling support as you say
that "I really want to kill myself some days". It is
true that this situation is not unusual in counselling
and can often be resolved by giving a chance for all
parties to work through some difficult issues. |
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I'm really sorry to hear of
the sorry situation with your beloved daughter, it must
be so hard for you to lose contact in this way-& I
imagine really quite galling that she appears to have
switched loyalties to your ex husband & his new family.
Reading through your history of events I guess the
change in attitude might well have started when you
became involved with a partner with whom she didn't get
on so well? Maybe she felt resentful that she had lost
some of your attention, & if it wasn't discussed at the
time then these feelings tend to accumulate & get out of
hand. Maybe the contrast between being such good
companions to each other & then losing that intimacy was
too much for your daughter to cope with at her age at
the time?
However, having said that I can see that it is very hard
to handle now if she has deliberately cut off all
correspondence, but I rather doubt if she would respond
to any forced communication at the moment. She seems to
be giving a very clear message that she needs time &
counselling to decide what she wants to do before she
resumes any form of contact. I know this must be
terribly hard for you but it doesn't look as though she
will respond to any overtures until/unless she is ready.
Her counselling may take some time to help her resolve
her feelings & meanwhile it may be useful for you to
seek some form of help for yourself to try & understand
what has happened, & what might have contributed to this
situation?
There are always the Samaritans for those times when you
feel truly desperate, but meanwhile I hope you might try
& find some form of counselling for yourself to ease
these unhappy & frustrated feelings. |
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From what you write the pain
that you are feeling due to your daughter's not wanting
any contact with you seems almost unbearable for you.
You mention your closeness to your daughter and you seem
to feel completely on your own now that you have no
contact with her. I am wondering whether there is some
sort of pattern being repeated here, whether you
experienced something similar when you were growing up.
You describe an extreme closeness and then a total loss
of the person with whom you had that closeness. There
seems to be something about abandonment in what you
write. You move to France when your daughter starts
university which she may have experienced as having been
abandoned by you. When she no longer wants any contact,
you feel so bereft that you say you want to kill
yourself. I wonder what it means for you that your
daughter does not want any contact and what it touches
for you. As difficult is may seem, maybe you could try
and look at the part you may have had in the breakdown
in the relationship between you and your daughter. I
realise that the issues that I am raising may be
difficult for you to address on your own and you may
therefore want to consider counselling or psychotherapy.
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