"MY HUSBAND SAYS HE CAN'T CARRY ON THE PRETENCE"
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I have read your e-mail
several times and each time I can only sympathise with
you - how difficult it must be for you to come to terms
with how your husband feels after having been married
for thirty years, especially having no idea he was
unhappy.
If he has started to see a psychiatrist to get some
help, this is certainly a positive sign that he wants to
resolve his unhappiness and, yes, it will take time. In
the meantime it could be very helpful for you to have
some individual counselling to support you in coming to
terms with how you move forwards both emotionally and
practically as well as working through the resentments
you have.
Is there any truth in what he says about being a poor
listener and interrupting? Perhaps in his own way he has
been trying to say how unhappy he has been and sometimes
our fear of hearing our worst nightmare can also make us
unavailable and bad listeners. This feels a blunt
observation and possibly unfair - however, talking to a
therapist/counsellor can help to see our part in
relationships and how to find a way through even if the
outcome it not what we want at the time. After thirty
years of marriage it certainly feels worth it for both
of you to seek help individually and possibly eventually
some couples counselling. |
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I'm really sorry that you
find yourself in such a dilemma after 30 years of
marriage & can understand why you say you are suffering
terribly. It must have come as a great shock to discover
that your husband has apparently been harbouring such
unhappiness for all these years, & despite making all
these joint plans, is now planning on a future without
you.
I'm glad to hear he has at least started to talk to a
psychiatrist to find out more about his depression, but
I imagine that you are being left in an enormous,
unhappy limbo at the moment?
You asked if you should see a counsellor even at this
late stage & I would have thought it might well help you
to explore your own feelings of resentment & lack of
support from the past. I know this doesn't necessarily
move you on as a couple, but perhaps the process might
give you an outlet for your own emotions at such a
difficult time.
Even as a couples counsellor, I don't ever guarantee any
'success' or resolution when couples undertake
counselling together, but it usually helps to look at
options & the possibilities of making some positive
changes in behaviour & attitude. At the very least it
tends to help couples understand what has gone wrong in
the past & even if it turns out to be too late to save
the marriage, it can, in some cases, help both
individuals move on with less guilt &
anger...................
However, I note that you say your husband says he has
always found it difficult to communicate with you & it
may be that he needs to investigate his feelings with
the psychiatrist for however long is needed before he
can begin to explain how he feels.
Meanwhile it leaves you with some very practical &
emotional issues to deal with -perhaps you could try
writing down the difficulties in order of priority, &
work out what you feel about the property & where you'd
really like to live now, given the current circumstances
- perhaps it hinges on where you feel most supported by
friends/family who might become quite important at the
moment?
If you think that seeing a counsellor might be useful
and I know you speak French fluently but sometimes it
helps to talk to someone from your own culture? Perhaps
you could start with one who suits you & see if she
would be prepared to talk to you both if it becomes
appropriate, even as a way of improving the
communication between you?
These are just a few suggestions which might help,
please feel free to write again if you feel you need
more online support at the moment. |
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From a psychoanalytic
perspective it is difficult to give you a definitive
solution to your dilemma. Your letter is very much
asking for a solution to the problems that you say your
husband has introduced into your life. It is very
possible that your husband is suffering from a
depression which may be causing him to review his life
and to assess where he wants it to go. You mention that
you are both planning for your retirement. Retirement
can be a stressful issue and can evoke fears and
uncertainties about what the future holds for both
partners in a marriage.
In your letter you say that you have had moments of
emotional crisis but you don't actually say how these
manifested and what brought them on. I would suggest
that this oversight may be indicative of the way that
you are presenting your difficulties. You seem to be
very focused on your husband's difficulties and when you
do talk about your difficulties, you do so with
reference to your husband. I wonder whether there might
not be painful issues from the past that are
contributing to your present difficulties. One of these
issues might be to do with control. You ask whether you
should let your husband go. The truth is that you can
not actually stop him from going if that is what he
wishes to do and I would suggest that this might be very
frightening for you. Issues to do with control may stem
from a fear of not being in control of one's own life,
of being at the mercy of others or of circumstances.
It may also be that both of you are angry and that this
and other feelings have built up over your years
together and have not been addressed by the two of you.
Again, for both of you the feelings may also have roots
in what happened in the past. You might want to consider
psychotherapy for yourself to try and clarify how each
of you is contributing to the difficulties that you are
experiencing in your marriage. Psychoanalytic
psychotherapy is not an easy undertaking, especially as
its focus is on how client is contributing to the
difficulties in his or her life. Also, as you mention in
your letter, psychotherapy can be a lengthy process.
However, it has the possibility of enabling you to see
how you might be restricting yourself in the way you
live your life and, by doing, so enable you to live in a
less restricted way. |
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